Batman Begins

GUS LEWIS falls into a cave of BATS.

 Gus Lewis: Oh no, bats! Every child’s worst fear! Gee, aren’t I cute?

 GUS LEWIS is rescued by his father, LINUS ROACHE. The family goes to an OPERA that night which has BATS.

 Gus Lewis: Can we go? It’s getting late and Pokemon comes on in an hour.

 Linus Roache: No, we’re staying to help build some character development. (Pause) Okay, let’s go.

 They leave the theater and are soon MUGGED.

 Mugger: C’mon, cash, jewelry, everything, hand it over. I’m also being used for character development.

 Linus Roache: Here’s my wallet. Just take it and go.

 Mugger: Fuck you, there’s only four dollars in here.

 The MUGGER kills LINUS ROACHE and SARA STEWART and runs away. GUS LEWIS is frightened, but the MUGGER is caught soon after. GUS LEWIS DIGIVOLVES into CHRISTIAN BALE and goes to a court hearing for the MUGGER.

 Mugger: Your honor, not a day goes by that I wish I could take back what I did. I was desperate, like a lot of people back then, which is odd because this city is fucking terrible and everyone seems desperate all the time and they never kill anyone. 

CHRISTIAN BALE leaves the courtroom, and a little while later, the MUGGER comes out, swarmed by reporters, one of which KILLS HIM.

 Christian Bale: Holy shit, so much for me wanting to kill him.

 Katie Holmes: Come on, you don’t need to see this.

Christian Bale: Yes I do, it’ll build charac—what the hell? Are you twelve?

Katie Holmes: No, why?

Christian Bale: Nothing. I just inexplicably decided I don’t need to see this. Let’s go drive around for a while.

 They drive around and KATIE HOLMES starts bitching about how CHRISTIAN BALE isn’t the most important man in the world.

 Katie Holmes: Blah blah blah blah you aren’t all that great blah blah blah the writer of this script should’ve paid more attention to this movie before doing a parody of it blah blah blah..

 Christian Bale: That man killed my parents, Katie. All this time, I wanted to kill him…it would’ve helped prepare me for Terminator: Salvation.

 KATIE HOLMES slaps CHRISTIAN, who walks out of the car and throws his gun into the water. He goes to meet TOM WILKINSON.

 Tom Wilkinson: Hey dere kid, badda-bing. So whatcha want, eh? I’m so thuggish, y’know?

 Christian Bale: I didn’t come here to prove you can’t act like a crime boss in this movie. I came to prove that this city isn’t afraid of you.

 Tom Wilkinson: Only dose who know me, kid. Now get outta ‘ere, scram, badda-bing and more stupid thug talk.

 CHRISTIAN is thrown outside in the rain.

 Christian Bale: Hmm… what this movie needs is a scene in which I beat the shit out of a bunch of Chinese guys. China, here I come!

 CHRISTIAN BALE goes to CHINA, where he meets LIAM NEESON.

 Liam Neeson: Hello, Obi-Wan, err, Christian Bale.

 Christian Bale: Cut the small talk, I wanna get to an action scene.

 Liam Neeson: No, Christian. I am Liam Neeson, a messenger of Ken Watanabe. We are part of this club called the League of People with Funny Names. We seek to rid the world of crime by any means necessary.

 Christian Bale: You’re vigilantes?

 Liam Neeson: Well, I’m not, I’m just a mentor, as that’s all I know how to portray in a film. Except Darkman. That movie was awesome. Now, there is a rare blue flower in a field somewhere. Pick one of these flowers and come to my temple. There, I will train you in the ways of martial arts. We’ll have a jolly good time.

 CHRISTIAN BALE picks the FLOWER and goes to LIAM NEESON’S temple of doom.

 Liam Neeson: Ah, excellent, now we will train you in the ways of ninjutsu.

 They TRAIN for a quarter of the movie, which is very ACTIONY and interesting.

 Christian Bale: Wow, who knew training would be so much work?

 Liam Neeson: Oh please, I was Qui-Gon Jinn in The Phantom Menace. That was a bitch to train for. Now, I want you to kill this man, because I said so.

 Ken Watanabe: If you cannot lay this man to rest, you won’t be able to fight criminality and injustice. Kill this man, and you will lead the League during their next attack.

Christian Bale: Where would I be leading them?

 Ken Watanabe: Gotham City, because we need to get the plot moving.

 CHRISTIAN BALE kills the ninjas in another action scene, but saves LIAM NEESON. He returns to GOTHAM CITY, where he is supposedly dead. The city is ruled by TOM WILKINSON. CHRISTIAN meets MORGAN FREEMAN in the basement of WAYNE ENTERPRISES.

Morgan Freeman: Hi, Christian. I’m God.

 Christian Bale: That’s nice. Anyway, do you have anything that’ll allow me to fight crime?

Morgan Freeman: I have just the thing!

 MORGAN FREEMAN pulls out a bunch of ARMOUR which was conveniently laying around for some reason.

 Christian Bale: How convenient. I suppose this is to help character development too, hm?

 Morgan Freeman: There’s also a car which can do just about anything in the back.

 Christian Bale: Can it make me a double cheeseburger with pickles, lettuce, and tomatoes?

 Morgan Freeman: You bet! Any other questions?

Christian Bale: Yeah, will it make my acting not shitty?

 CHRISTIAN BALE goes out in his new BATSUIT, becoming BAT-BALE. He chases around drug dealers and makes silly noises, but eventually stops them all, and locks up TOM WILKINSON.

 CILLIAN MURPHEY confronts TOM in his cell.

 Cillian Murphy: So, Tom, glad we can talk. How’d the drug transfer go?

 Tom Wilkinson: Not so good, some nut in a black rubber suit showed up and kicked our asses, but I think it mostly went well.

 Cillian Murphy: It can’t go well. You know who I’m working for, and when he gets here, he isn’t gonna wanna hear that something’s gone wrong with our operation.

 Tom Wilkinson: Just inject it into the water supply.

Cillian Murphy: Huh, that works too.

 At CHRISTIAN BALE’S birthday party, he is confronted by LIAM NEESON.

 Christian Bale: How can you be alive? I killed you.

 Liam Neeson: No you didn’t, you dumb fuck. You saved me after burning my house down, remember? I am the real leader of the League of People with Funny Names, not Ken Watanantantabe.

 The above is meant to be a PLOT TWIST to shock the viewer, but it doesn’t work.

 Christian Bale: What are you planning?

 Liam Neeson: Using Cillian Murphy’s fear-inducing toxin, we are injecting it into Gotham’s water supply, and we will watch as Gotham tears itself apart as people shit themselves when they see people with glowing red eyes.

 Christian Bale: I’m going to stop you, whether you like it or not.

 Liam Neeson: It’s too late for that. We’ve already begun the injection. There is nothing anyone can do to stop us now. Except fighting me on a train, that’ll work.

 They LEAVE and set the house on FIRE, but CHRISTIAN escapes with MICHAEL CAINE.

 Christian Bale: What have I done, Michael? I’ve failed to protect the city.

 Michael Caine: No, you haven’t, young sir. There is still a chance you can take out Neeson and end this movie.

 Christian Bale: Thanks for the motivation! I’m off!

 BAT-BALE finds LIAM NEESON in a steam room.

 Liam Neeson: Goddamn, you’re persistent. I told you it’s too late.

LIAM flies away onto a runaway train. BAT-BALE chases after him by swinging on a grappling line while the GEORGE OF THE JUNGLE theme song plays in the background. BAT-BALE crashes through the train window in the most implausible looking stunt ever, also landing in the same car LIAM is on.

 Liam Neeson: You will never learn.

 They FIGHT on the train and the audience gets a bunch of obnoxious close-ups of the actor’s faces and legs. BAT-BALE wins when the train crashes and EXPLODES.

 Gary Oldman: Holy shit. That was awesome.

 Bat-Bale: I know, did you see how I crashed through that window?

 Gary Oldman:  Yes, very implausible. Here, see if you can take this next guy. He has a taste for the theatrical and looks like he put on his grandmother’s makeup wrong.

 Bat-Bale: Oh, we’re doing a sequel?

Gary Oldman: Yes, and it hasn’t even been discussed.

 BAT-BALE flies into the night, and the 1960’S BATMAN THEME plays over the credits.

 END.