Commando

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER carries a giant LOG around for some reason.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I’m a lumberjack and that’s okay, I sleep all night and I work all day.

He reaches his HOME and is greeted by his daughter, ALYSSA MILANO. They do a bunch of things like EAT SANDWICHES, eat ICE CREAM, then they WIND UP IN A DISNEY MOVIE FOR SOME REASON.

JAMES OLSON appears and talks to ARNOLD.

James Olson: So, Arnie, all the men you worked with have been killed by mercenaries.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: We fought in a war, didn’t we? How the hell did a bunch of mercs manage to kill every single one of them?

James Olson: Aim bots.

A BUNCH OF MERCS suddenly show up and START SHOOTING THE FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING but can’t hit ARNOLD because they suck.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alyssa, hide in your room, because they won’t look for you there.

This backfires spectacularly and ALYSSA is kidnapped. ARNOLD gives chase but is knocked out. When he wakes up, FREDDIE MERCURY, err, VERNON WELLS, and some of his henchmen, surround ARNOLD on a table.

Vernon Wells: So you finally decided to wake up.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Who are you people? And why is Freddie Mercury here?

Vernon Wells: Arnie, we kidnapped your daughter and she will die in twelve hours if you don’t kill the President in Val Verde

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Why the hell would I do that?

Dan Hedaya: Because I was overthrown as President there and I want revenge. Since their new President trusts you, he won’t see it coming.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fine, I’ll do it.

They board a plane headed for VAL VERDE, and ARNOLD kills HEDAYA’S guard and jumps out of the plane as it flies over a swamp. DAVID PATRICK KELLY attempts to hit on RAE DAWN CHONG but instead acts incredibly creepy.

David Patrick Kelly: Hey baby, can I put my plane in your runway?

Rae Dawn Chong: Are you fucking kidding me?

She walks off and encounters ARNOLD.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I need your help. My daughter has been kidnapped by Freddie Mercury and will die in twelve hours if I don’t save her.

Rae Dawn Chong: Kay.

She instead tells a MALL COP about Arnold.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Aw you bitch.

ARNIE fights his way through MALL COPS and chases after DAVID.

Rae Dawn Chong: Hey wait up!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Okay, I’ll let you tag along even though you just tried to get me arrested back there.

A CAR CHASE ensues. It is very COOL and FAST. DAVID crashes his car like a PUTZ and ARNIE dangles him over a cliff.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Tell me where Dan Hedaya’s base is.

David Patrick Kelly: No.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Okay.

ARNOLD drops him into the water. He and RAE steal DAVID’S car and rob a SURPLUS STORE, which just happens to have a bunch of weapons lying around.

Cop: Stop stealing weapons!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Aw.

He is ARRESTED. RAE manages to rescue him by knocking over the police van with a ROCKET LAUNCHER.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Where did you learn to do that?

Rae Dawn Chong: The script.

The find a SEAPLANE that just happens to be there and unsecured to the dock.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Do you know how to fly these things?

Raw Dawn Chong: Um, no. But once I’m in the pilot’s seat, I magically will.

They fly to wherever the hell it is DAN HEDAYA is located.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: I need you to contact James Olson and tell him where we are. He will send help.

Rae Dawn Chong: Why do you need help even though Dan’s henchmen won’t even hit you, and you’ll kill all of them and come out without a scratch?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Because shut up.

ARNOLD runs around and SHOOTS THE EVER-LIVING FUCK OUT OF EVERYTHING. He kills DAN’S henchmen and the two have a short gunfight.

Dan Hedaya: Pew pew!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Well that’s just silly.

He kills DAN and goes off to find his daughter, but FREDDIE MERCURY, err, VERNON WELLS, shows up.

Vernon Wells: Christ Almighty, do you really need all of those weapons? You didn’t even use half of them.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: But they look so good on me.

Vernon Wells: Anyway, I have your daughter captive. And since you didn’t kill the President of Val Verde, that means I get to kill her!

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Why don’t you do the march of the black Queen while you’re at it?

Vernon Wells: I AM NOT FREDDIE MERCURY GODDAMNIT GAAAAAAAAAH!

ARNIE and VERNON fight and make silly faces while ALYSSA watches. VERNON gets electrocuted but this doesn’t kill him for some reason. They fight some more and ARNIE impales VERNON with a pipe.

Vernon Wells: You could’ve just shot me. Why the hell did you throw a fucking PIPE through my chest?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Because it’s cool.

ARNOLD and ALYSSA leave and are met by JAMES OLSON.

James Olson: That was some impressive work causing millions of dollars in damages to this island. Would you like to come back to the Navy or whatever organization you were in?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: No. I have more half-assed and lazily written films to star in!

ARNIE and ALYSSA take off to mourn their now-dead acting careers.

END