DragonHeart

DAVID THEWLIS accidentally impales himself on a POINTY THING in a village somewhere.

 Julie Christie: My son has been hurt! What can we do?

 Dennis Quaid: We can take him to the dragon that lives underneath a waterfall. He can heal people.

 Julie Christie: Can I buy some pot from you?:

 They go and meet the DRAGON that lives under a waterfall.

 Sean Connery Dragon: ’Sup.

 Dennis Quaid: Dragon, this boy has been hurt. We need you to heal him.

 Sean Connery Dragon: No. [Pause] Okay.

He gives DAVID part of his heart to make the movie title relevant.

 Dennis Quaid: Thanks, Dragon. I will make it up to you by having a bunch of guys form a band named after you.

 Sean Connery Dragon: Will there be lengthy and wild guitar solos?

 Dennis Quaid: You bet! But they’re gonna be Brazilian.

 Sean Connery Dragon: ……….

 Years later, DAVID THEWLIS goes mad with power after becoming king.

 David Thewlis: I’m a power-hungry motherfucker.

 Dennis Quaid: I bet the Dragon’s heart made him go mad with power. I’m gonna kill him!

 DENNIS runs off to the waterfall and meets PETE POSTLETHWAITE along the way.

 Dennis Quaid: Alright Dragon, come out where I can see you!

 SEAN CONNERY DRAGON uses FLAMETHROWER!

 Dennis Quaid: Oh shit, he knows Flamethrower. Pete, come over here and use Water Gun!

 DENNIS and SEAN CONNERY DRAGON fight, and it ends in a stalemate.

 Sean Connery Dragon: Maybe instead of fighting, we should team up so that we can stage fake Dragon slayings.

 Dennis Quaid: That seems perfectly reasonable and I have absolutely no reason to question it.

 They perform some fake DRAGON SLAYINGS for no reason.

 DAVID THEWLIS encounters DINA MEYER.

 David Thewlis: You’re the girl who caused me to impale myself on that pointy thing a long time ago!

 Dina Meyer: Okay.

 DAVID takes her hostage and attempts to seduce her.

 David Thewlis: Hey baby, can I put my sword in your sheath?

 Dina Meyer: Are you fucking kidding me?

 She STABS him in the shoulder and escapes.

 DINA attempts to start a new uprising over…something.

 Dina Meyer: Let’s team up and crush David’s empire!

 Townspeople: Let’s not.

 SEAN CONNERY DRAGON and DENNIS QUAID show up.

 Dennis Quaid: Hiya.

 Townspeople: ZOMG A DRAGON SACRIFICE HER TO THE GODS!

 They take the girl back to SEAN CONNERY DRAGON’S cave. DAVID THEWLIS shows up.

 David Thewlis: Return her to me.

 Dennis Quaid: No.

 They DUEL.

 David Thewlis: Y’know, I don’t believe the knight’s code. I deceived you for all those years just so I could learn how to wield a sword.

 Dennis Quaid: What a plot twist!

 Sean Connery Dragon: Growl.

 DAVID runs away in terror like a pussy.

 That night, SEAN CONNERY DRAGON and DENNIS sit around and talk about stuff.

 Dennis Quaid: So, you’re the last of your kind?

 Sean Connery Dragon: Yes. See that constellation up there? That is where we dragons go when we die and if we have earned it.

 Dennis Quaid: Dragon Heaven. Are you shitting me? DRAGON HEAVEN?!

 Sean Connery Dragon: Nope, I’m dead serious. I tried to get a place there by saving David, but I had no idea that he would turn to the dark side…but obviously, that did not go well and I fear I may spend eternity in Dragon Hell.

 Dennis Quaid: There’s a Dragon Hell too? What about Dragon Purgatory?

Sean Connery Dragon: That would be this movie. Tell you what. I will help in the rebellion against David Thewlis, so that I may earn a place in Dragon Heaven. Will you help too?

Dennis Quaid:No. [Pause] Yes.

 WAR ensues. The villagers attack DAVID’S castle and fight. DAVID’S forces capture SEAN CONNERY DRAGON.

 David Thewlis: Gentlemen, I love war…

 DENNIS appears.

 Dennis Quaid: David, you monster! Let’s fight again!

 There is a DUEL followed by a DUEL with another DUEL mixed with some DUELING and lots of DUELS. DENNIS eventually runs ahead to find SEAN CONNERY DRAGON.

 Sean Connery Dragon: Kill me, it’s the only way to end David’s reign of terror!

 Dennis Quaid: No. [Pause] Okay.

 DENNIS throws anAXE into SEAN CONNERY DRAGON’S heart and he dies.

 David Thewlis: Aw, fuck. [Dies]

 Dennis Quaid: Hooray, we saved the world!

 Dina Meyer: Really, we just saved our homeland.

 Dennis Quaid: Shut up.

 SEAN CONNERY DRAGON receives a place in DRAGON HEAVEN and everyone lives happily ever after.

 Except DAVID THEWLIS, because he sucks.

 END