F-Zero GX

BLACK SHADOW crashes his car like a PUTZ.

 Deathborn: You are a fucking loser. If you lose the next Grand Prix, I’ll kill you.

 Black Shadow: That might be a little more threatening if you didn’t look like a shitty Mega Man villain. But I guess that since you’re the bad guy and all, it doesn’t matter if you kill your underlings.

 Deathborn: Exactly. I’m one evil guy. Now, help me ship all these roses to Jack Thompson’s house.

 CAPTAIN FALCON is being AWESOME because THAT’S WHAT HE DOES. He goes down an ALLEY and opens a door with his F-ZERO RACING MACHINE behind it, which apparently nobody else notices.

 Captain Falcon: So the next Grand Prix is coming up. I should practice for it by driving around in a circle and collecting shiny orange things for five minutes.

THIS SERIOUSLY FUCKING HAPPENS. Eventually he decides to PISS OFF somewhere and encounters SAMURAI GOROH and his RAG-TAG BUNCH OF MISFITS gang.

 Samurai Goroh: Hey Falcon. You picked the wrong day to cross our territory. You see, I’m super angry about you winning the previous Grand Prix for some reason, even though my acting is awful and doesn’t represent this emotion at all. So how about we race, and if I win, I get your machine.

 Captain Falcon: What’s wrong with your Fire Stingray?

 Samurai Goroh: It’s a hot fucking pink Punchbuggy. Do you have any idea how big of a faggot I look driving that thing?

 Captain Falcon: Yeah, it is a worthless piece of shit. But since I know you can’t win, and since you also seem aware of this fact, then I accept your challenge.

 They race and SAMURAI GOROH gets his ASS KICKED.

 Samurai Goroh: Goddamn, I really do suck at this. I mean, uh, I’ll get you next time, or something.

 Then his machine EXPLODES.

 CAPTAIN FALCON goes to a BAR to relax, when suddenly, SILVER NEELSON shows up and starts being ANNOYING.

 Silver Neelson: Well hot-diggitty damn, it’s Captain Falcon!

 Captain Falcon: Ohai.

 Silver Neelson: So uh, there’s this race, see, and I want to win the prize money. But I want you to race for me!

 Captain Falcon: Why?

 Silver Neelson: Allow me to explain that by forcing this incredibly stupid looking mask and cape on you and shoving you onto the racetrack.

 CAPTAIN FALCON races the other 12 idiots, who somehow don’t know who he is. He beats them ALL.

 Captain Falcon: That was fucking stupid. Can the plot actually get moving now?

 SUDDENLY, it DOES! BLACK SHADOW is standing around FLAILING HIS ARMS LIKE A RETARD in front of a FIRE. CAPTAIN FALCON takes off to FUCK UP HIS DAY, but is ambushed by MICHAEL CHAIN.

 Michael Chain: Hey Falcon, I wanna race you for some reason or another.

 Captain Falcon: But I did this level already!

 Michael Chain: I am seriously not that difficult to beat since I’m a minor antagonist and have a rather mediocre vehicle.

 Captain Falcon: Fine.

 THEY RACE. CAPTAIN FALCON WINS but everybody knows this. He drives off to the CITY, which is in RUINS.

 Captain Falcon: What the hell happened here?

 John Tanaka: Black Shadow came in riding in his slow piece of shit, yelled “KILL IT WITH FIRE!”, and apparently destroyed everything.

 Captain Falcon: How sad and stuff.

 John Tanaka: And Jody Summers is inside that building, which is about to explode. So you should probably try and save her, while leaving me here to die.

 Captain Falcon: I don’t even know who the fuck you are, but that sounds like a great idea.

 FALCON goes and rescues JODY. He then drives through an otherwise EASY LEVEL, but the last door has an invisible barrier in the ESCAPE SPACE that you need to get through. After DYING FIFTEEN FUCKING TIMES, he finally escapes.

 Captain Falcon: My God, that was fucking painful. That wasn’t even genuine difficulty, that was just fucking stupid.

 Black Shadow: So, Falcon, we meet again!

 Captain Falcon: We certainly do and oh God are you fucking serious? You’re still wearing your fifth grade gymnastics outfit? Duct taping horns onto it doesn’t make it look any more threatening.

 Black Shadow: Look at it this way: At least Rob Liefeld didn’t draw me!

 EVERYONE SUDDENLY IMAGINES what the F-ZERO cast would look like as if drawn by ROB LIEFELD and KILL THEMSELVES.

 Black Shadow: Anyway, I’m just going to shoot a Kamehameha Wave at you and bring out your evil clone, Blood Falcon, who will then place a bomb on your car that will detonate if your speed drops below 700 km/h.

 Captain Falcon: Really? This plot is so uninteresting that they have to rip-off Speed? That’s…wow. That’s just pathetic.

Black Shadow: If you think that’s bad, wait until you see what happens during the big finale.

Captain Falcon: I can hardly wait. Anyway, wouldn’t it be easier to just, I dunno, kill me?

 Black Shadow: Probably, but that would be letting the player off easy.

 THE DEV TEAM decides to let THAT ONE STAFF MEMBER WITH SCHIZOPHRENIA AND ATTENTION DEFECIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER design this stage.

 Player: OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT.

 THE PLAYER DIES 100 TIMES before they complete it, but not before going through FIFTEEN CONTROLLERS.

 CAPTAIN FALCON arrives at the GRAND PRIX.

 Black Shadow: Huh. I guess killing you back there WOULD have been a better alternative. Oh well, we’re at the big climactic race, so we should totally be able to settle our differences here in an epic final showdown.

 THE RACE BEGINS and almost EVERYONE falls off the track after driving on the icy road because they’re STUPID. Also, this race is only THREE FUCKING LAPS and is otherwise QUITE UNINTERESTING.

 Player: I wasted my fucking time for this?

 The Dev Team: It gets better, we swear.

 DEATHBORN shows up and kills BLACK SHADOW, who doesn’t really see this as a big deal.

 Deathborn: DYNAMIC ENTRY! Also, I’m evil.

 Captain Falcon: So who the hell are you?

 Deathborn: I’m Deathborn, and apparently I’m champion of the underworld Grand Prix. You see that stupid-looking belt there? Bring that with you to the underworld tomorrow when you come and meet me.

 Captain Falcon: When the fuck did I say I was going to go meet you in Hell?

 Deathborn: Right after the developers read “Creating a Shitty Video Game Plot for Dummies”. I should probably warn you to stop playing the story mode after we race, because the last chapter is just a huge insult.

 Captain Falcon: It can’t be that bad. What’s the worst that could happen, the developers turn this into a giant self-insert fanfic for themselves?

 Deathborn: Um…

 Captain Falcon: Oh for fucks sake. Anyway, what the hell did you want me here for?

 Deathborn: Well, Falcon, the universe is made up of two universal forces: Light and darkness. These forces are contained in our Champion belts, and once the belts are merged, the wearer can do whatever they want. I plan to use this power to destroy the universe and I’m sorry but this is just too stupid I’m going to kill myself now.

 HE DRIVES INTO THE SEA OF FIRE below and dies.

 Captain Falcon: Wow, that sure showed him, I guess. So, uh, what now?

 THE DEV TEAM runs out of ideas and PANIC, so they hire some guy from FANFICTION.NET to write the rest of the story.

 The Champion Belt: Captain Falcon, we are The Developers.

 Captain Falcon: Oh God, Deathborn wasn’t kidding.

 The Developers: We are the ones who created this universe. We created everything, and we challenge you to a race.

 Captain Falcon: No.

 The Developers: What if we told you that there are no universal forces; it is only us?

 Captain Falcon: Oh, I guess that pisses me off for some reason.

 The Developers: Good, good, let the hate flow through you. Now, let’s race on what is totally not Rainbow Road while the totally not Cheetahmen theme plays in the background.

 THEY RACE while the CHEETAHMEN THEME plays in the background. I’m serious, listen to the song. They sound very similar.

 ANYWAY, uh, yeah, CAPTAIN FALCON races THE DEVELOPERS who are a STAFF GHOST. The player dies 9001 times before beating them.

 The defeat of the STAFF GHOST/GOD causes the UNIVERSE to collapse in on itself, but THE DEVELOPERS refuse to surrender! The STAFF GHOST leaps out of its machine towards CAPTAIN FALCON, who also leaps out of HIS!

 The Developers/Staff Ghost: IWATA SHINA SHINEN! SHINENZUUU!

 Captain Falcon: FALCON… PAAAAAUUUUUUUUUNCH!

 CAPTAIN FALCON punches the STAFF GHOST in its STUPID FUCKING FACE. THIS somehow SAVES THE UNIVERSE but at the same time STILL KILLS THE DEVELOPERS. The AWESOME FORCE of the PUNCH causes a few galaxies to be destroyed, I guess. Also, this isn’t the REAL ENDING, but it’s MUCH LESS INSULTING.

 THE PLAYERS see the real ending, BITCH ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET and NEVER PLAY THE GAME AGAIN.

 THE END