Speed

KEANU REEVES and JEFF DANIELS run around a building wearing SWAT uniforms.

Keanu Reeves: We’re so good at playing dress up and pretending to be cops.

Jeff Daniels: Yes we are.

 They rescue all the people trapped on the elevator and find DENNIS HOPPER who has DYNAMITE strapped to his chest. This is DRAMATIC.

 Dennis Hopper: Pop quiz, hotshot: Terrorist gunman carrying a police hostage—

 Keanu Reeves: Shut the fuck up and explode already.

 DENNIS HOPPER runs away and EXPLODES.

 KEANU REEVES sees a bus EXPLODE. This is very EXCITING. A phone rings.

 Dennis Hopper: Did you see that? Wasn’t that an amazingCGI effect? I did that. Me.

 Keanu Reeves: Whoa.

 Dennis Hopper: Anyway, that’s gonna happen to another bus if I don’t get a salary of $3.7 million. Get going.

 Keanu Reeves: Dude.

 KEANU boards the BUS. To make the plot more interesting, the DRIVER is shot by a passenger.

 Keanu Reeves: Whoa.

 Sandra Bullock: Don’t worry, I’ll take the wheel because I’m great for a heroine.

 Alan Ruck: Hi, I’m annoying as hell.

 Sandra Bullock: Understatement of the year.

 They crash into some shit and crash into some more shit and crash into some more shit for a while.

 Scriptwriter: Jan? What should happen next in the plot?

 Director Jan de Bont: The what now?

 Joe Morton: Keanu, there’s a gap up ahead. Do you think you can get to the other side by making an impossible jump?

Keanu Reeves: I’m Keanu Reeves, bitch. Of course I can.

 The BUS makes an impossible JUMP.

 Sandra Bullock:  Damn, you did it!

 Keanu Reeves: Hell yeah, also, he can see you.

 Sandra Bullock: What?

 Keanu Reeves: There’s a camera right in front of you. We can create footage and play it on an infinite loop!

 Sandra Bullock: Did…did you just try to be emotive there?

 Keanu Reeves: I…I think I did.

 Suddenly, the WORLD explodes!

 MEANWHILE, Dennis Hopper praises himself and his brilliant scheme.

 Dennis Hopper:  Teehee, I’m so evil.

 SANDRA BULLOCK drives the bus around in circles at an AIRPORT. JOE MORTON uses the signal from the BUS to make a tape of the inside and loop it. They rescue the passengers and the bus explodes!

 Keanu Reeves: Yay, I’m so heroic!

 Dennis Hopper: Blow me.

 DENNIS HOPPER kidnaps SANDRA BULLOCK and runs into a subway. KEANU REEVES chases after him and Dennis goes crazy and shoots the roof of the train for some reason.

 Dennis Hopper: This is for being a better actor than me, you bastard!

 DENNIS HOPPER goes onto the top of the train and smacks KEANU around like a bitch.

 Dennis Hopper: I’m smarter than you, Keanu. I’m smarter than you.

 WHAP! DENNIS’ head gets blown off by a subway light.

 KEANU REEVES derails the train and kisses SANDRA BULLOCK.

 Sandra Bullock: Wow, you’re so heroic.

 Keanu Reeves: I know, did you see the way I got smacked around by Dennis Hopper? That was awesome.

 Sandra Bullock: Of course, if we crashed this thing and had some fatal injuries, that might make this ending a bit more dramatic.

 Director Jan de Bont: More what?

 END